Relationship Relationship Relationship

Three months since my last post. There really is a Time Bandit. Truth is, I've been struggling with writing. I'm taking a hiatus of sorts, painting instead. Making new acquaintances, creating with water colors instead of words. Enjoying the company of some interesting women who, age wise, are my peers.

Here's a sample of my work:

Because I'm meeting new people, I'm thinking again about women friends. Relationships have never been easy for me, and I have discovered that, while I want friends, I enjoy being alone. A lot. Besides, making friends was easier when we were kids. You know what I'm talking about. It's way more challenging now. Really, how much effort did it take for Maureen and me to become friends? I suspect it was she . . . not I, who did all the work. Yet, that investment 50+ years ago has yielded the fruit of closeness that endures. Only . . . we live 3000 miles apart. Sigh.

So here I am 60+ and wondering how to cultivate new relationships. Because being honest with someone means risking being misunderstood and losing the new friend. I heard on the radio yesterday that good questions to ask myself are, "What is the relationship worth to me?" And, "Is it worth working at?" Besides, there's a body of work out there that says I need support from girlfriends. I'm not kidding.

In my spiritual life, I've begun employing the "Daily Office" to help me focus better on my time with the Lord. One of the prayers includes "Lord, grant me grace to trust you and drop my defenses, be approachable, kind merciful, and appropriately assertive."

Assertive is defined as: having or showing a confident and forceful personality. This kind of behavior, if not appropriate, may be seen as bossy or pushy. It can also intimidate, which nullifies the part about being kind. Know what I mean? It's a dance, and I've always said that it is. One misstep and "ouch."

I think being appropriately assertive means that I have to set boundaries with people. But even if I do this in love, the other person may still get offended. (One, two, cha, cha, cha. --->)

I bring this up because I recently had to set a boundary with someone who is now angry with me, and instead of resolving our issues, simply ignores me. Treats me like I'm invisible really. So what? you may think, but the fact is it stirs up stuff from my youth. So I want to figure it out and get past it. So let's explore together, shall we?

[Side Bar]

I was wondering, is the state of being ignored called "ignorance"?
Perhaps if I pronounced it ig-NOR-ance?

[End Side Bar]

Question is, why does it hurt to be ignored? In my experience, being ignored can be insidiously painful. Worse than being slapped. It's why children prefer to act badly and be punished, rather than be ignored.

Being ignored is lonely and isolating--a passive aggressive tool. It is, however, a common tool of the Italian mother. My mother, bless her heart, would often give me "the look" and say nothing. Ask her "What's wrong?" and you might get the reply, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you." Is that an oxymoron or is it just moronic? Ack. Ack.

Perhaps this set the tone in my life: Relationships with women are dang confusing.

At its root, ignoring is a kind of rejection. More subtle than the outright, "I don't like you." The silent treatment. A common experience in my family, including the extended family. Instead of talking about feelings and confronting one another on perceived offenses, my family would become stone-faced. You might get "the look," but not a word.

This gave rise to the guess-what's-in-my-head game. A game at which I was never any good.

I don't want to play this game or any other head game. I want EASY, not hard. EASY was living with George. Hard is trying to figure out WHAT is going on inside other people's heads. Truth is, I don't want to get inside your head. It's probably a quagmire. And I don't want YOU taking up residence inside my head either.

Maybe this is why I don't have a lot of close friends today. Maybe I don't want them badly enough to do the hard work.

But if I'm going to have friends here and now, in the latter part of my life, I have to decide if it's worth it. One person . . . one friendship at a time. I'm getting tired just thinking about it. But thanks for listening. . . .